I never had the urge to be a mom

Okay, so it might sound weird, but I never really had the urge to be a mom. Even when my friends started having babies, I didn't feel anything. And when my own kiddo was born, it felt kinda awkward. But then I read about this lady who wanted to have kids so she could always keep a part of her hubby with her, just in case something happened to him. And I totally felt that.

So we tried for like a year, and then boom! Missed my period. Pregnancy was a breeze, but the birth was a whole different story. Ended up having an emergency c-section after my kiddo's heart rate dropped and wouldn't come back up. I had no idea what was going on, and next thing I knew, I was knocked out cold. When I woke up a couple hours later, I had this song stuck in my head - "vibrating with love and light" - and I just knew everything was gonna be okay. And it was!

But then they told me I couldn't see my baby for like six hours. They said he was in the NICU, and I had just gone through surgery, so I was pretty out of it. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't put up more of a fuss. My hubby was with him, though, and finally brought him out like 12 hours later. He was healthy and feisty, and we were so lucky. Even though I felt like I'd totally failed, I loved that little nugget so dang much it hurt. It's like they say, you can totally be "meant" to be a mom and still have a complicated relationship with your kid, even when they're toddlers.

Fast forward four years, and motherhood has been a total trip. It's been both amazing and tough. Loving this little human so much while feeling like I've lost a piece of myself has been a trip. He was born right before the pandemic hit, so we got some time to get used to being a fam of three before everything shut down. I even decided to quit my job after my maternity leave and be a stay-at-home mom. But that led to a whole bunch of issues around my self-worth, and I'm here trying to be kinder to myself on this crazy journey.