No Wise Elders

I am a mother to a sweet one year old girl who arrived after a 43-week and 2-day pregnancy. The last few days of my pregnancy felt like the longest days of my life!

I prepared extensively for my birth and my fourth trimester. This preparation included working with a doula, using the Fourth Trimester book, and more. Although my birth didn't go according to plan (my baby flipped back-to-back during labor and wouldn't come out, so I ended up with forceps), I didn't find it traumatic because I spent most of the labor in the pool, completely focused.

After she was born, my partner took two months off work, and we set up a meal train. We luxuriated in a heavenly postnatal bubble. We had everything under control... or so I thought.

What I wasn't prepared for was the loneliness and isolation I felt a few months after the fourth trimester, when the text messages from friends stopped. I was navigating matrescence with no wise elders to guide me. Although I was surrounded by moms, I didn't feel connected to any of them. I was confused about what I was feeling and felt abandoned by old friends who I thought would be there for me. I was confronted with the fact that things would never be the same - I am forever changed. I experienced new highs, fierce and boundless love for my daughter, and utter joy in her existence, but I also grieved parts of myself that I didn't know I was going to lose.

To mark 10 months in and 10 months out, my doula gave me a closing of the bones ceremony, which was very powerful. Being witnessed by another woman helped me process a lot.